Am I a loser?
“…she is such a !$#?ing loser…”
[this quote is from a fb post, said about me by a stranger]
Definition
Loser
1: a person or thing that loses especially consistently
//The team had a reputation for being a loser year after year.
Reading those words on a recent Facebook post about me instantly took me back to all those times in my past when I’d been bullied and made to feel like a complete loser.
~My mom would yell at me at any time for any reason, calling me stupid, fat, and asking why I couldn’t be more like my sister. Every single time, I would always feel like such a loser.
~In elementary PE, it was finally my turn to get on the trampoline. We actually had a whole unit on bouncing, flips, and safely getting on and off. As I climbed up, I overheard a classmate say, “I bet she’s going to cry. She’s weak.” The girls around her burst into laughter. In my head, I thought, “I am a loser,” while trying my hardest not to cry.
~On my first day of junior high, I was in 7th grade and my sister was in 9th. (Back then, 9th grade was still part of junior high.) As we got out of the car, with Mom still in her gown, housecoat, and pink curlers, my sister leaned in, making sure Mom couldn’t hear, and said firmly, “Do not come anywhere near me or my friends.” I knew that, to her, I was always a loser.
~In junior high, once, I decided to try out for a sport; honestly, I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea. I was an extreme introvert, or maybe I became one because of the devastating abuse I suffered. Yet there I was, in the gym with all the other athletic girls, under the watchful eyes of parents (not mine), the coaching staff, and lingering teachers and students. When it was my turn to prove I belonged, what did I do? I threw up all over myself and the gym floor. All I could think was, “I am such a loser.”
~ (Shifting to my 20s) After five years of coaching, we won our home volleyball tournament in front of a packed crowd, but a parent came up to me, yelling that her daughter should have had more playing time. She went on for quite a while, right there in front of everyone. I kept it professional, even though I just wanted to disappear, and couldn’t shake feeling of being loser in what should have been a winning moment.
~ (Shifting to my 30s) After several years of teaching, one of my fifth grader’s moms made one year almost unbearable. She confronted me about nearly every decision I made. Her son definitely needed a firm hand—he loved making the other kids laugh and was usually disrespectful on a daily basis. But in her eyes, there was no way he could be doing all that. Being a teacher at another school, she took it upon herself to lecture me, send me behavioral plans, and, lo and behold, drop into my class two or three times a week to “check in.” Every time I thought about the situation, I couldn’t help but feel like such a loser.
~ (Shifting to my 40s) In 2015, my daughter graduated from high school. Her dad and his wife, along with my son, arrived a few days early to be part of all her special events leading up to graduation day. The day after the ceremony, her dad and his wife were taking her on a graduation cruise, and naturally my son was going too. Both kids stayed with me the night before they left, and I drove them to the airport to see them off. I probably should have just hugged them and walked away, but instead I stood there watching the four of them head down the hall to their gate, laughing and chatting. As tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face, I couldn’t help feeling like such a loser.
I stopped the “loser memory train” and took a moment to think about what was happening. A woman I’d never met had taken one of my posts, reposted it, and decided she understood me and my stance on a sensitive, newly emerging issue. Her husband, whom I’d only met once, had done the same, though without calling me a loser. In both of their reposts, they focused on the part where I said, “If I had felt unsafe, I would quietly walk away.” The woman then added, and I quote, “…she is such a !$#?ing loser..
Definition
Loser
a person who is incompetent or unable to succeed
1: //Don’t waste your time on that loser.
My whole life, I let other people influence how I saw myself and what I believed I was worth. This, of course, traces back to the way I was raised, the family environment I grew up in, and the abuse I went through. I was naturally a quiet child, not talking much. Each had their own way of controlling me—my mom, my sister, and, of course, the ultimate controller, my dad. I never felt like I had any worth; I was raised to follow orders and not think for myself. I don’t need to rehash all the abuse, but why, then, am I dwelling on and writing about a stranger calling me a loser publicly?
I realized that during those beginning days of watching the current situation unfold, when I chose to stand up for what’s right, I became a target—maybe a smaller one, but still a target. In those first moments, reading those words left me frustrated, irritated, and angry, yet there was this nagging voice in the back of my mind asking, “Are you sure she’s not, right?” Am I still letting others dictate how I feel about myself? Am I a loser?
The reason I’m writing this is because I’ve felt like a loser my entire life, not just in the situations mentioned, but in every situation. My instinct was always to give in to the bully of the moment, and over time, a part of me started to believe whatever that person was confronting me with or saying about me.
Then I remembered a time when I didn’t follow my usual pattern. It was near the end of my senior year, and I was talking with my parents about my plans for the future. We were in the kitchen when they told me they had received my SAT scores. I knew I wasn’t the best test taker, but I had all As and Bs, and in my final semester, I made Beta Club, an academic achievement. I was always being compared to my older sister, who was truly brilliant—no exaggeration. She never had to study, was in every honors class, and earned a full-ride academic scholarship to the local college. Me? I wasn’t in any honors classes, I had to study constantly, and I never received any kind of academic scholarship.
My parents told me they didn’t think I was smart enough for college and suggested I choose a trade instead. I have nothing against working a trade, but my dream was to go to college. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. At that time, all my memories of abuse were buried deep, not surfacing until my early thirties. It broke my heart to know they didn’t believe I could do it. And honestly, my SAT scores were, well, not great.
I did something I’d never done before. I looked at both of them and told them no. I’m not sure where I found the courage to speak to them like that or how I decided to do it, but I just did. I told them I was going to college. I made sure to say it as kindly as possible. I didn’t yell or say anything bad to or about them, but I was firm in my decision. Even though I felt like a loser, I think that was the first time I truly stood up for myself. Then I went to my room and cried.
Over the years, I started standing up for myself, especially in the last decade. Still, there were times I’d slip back into feeling like a loser, and depending on the situation, I might or might not revert to my old ways. Let me share another memory to give a clearer picture of how I began to see how people truly viewed me.
~For my continuing education credits, I had to write a research paper, which my principal, Mr. C, graded to decide if I’d get the credit. The only thing that stuck with me from this situation was this comment: “I could tell you wrote it even if I hadn’t known it was your paper. You write just like your personality. You’re always apologizing for everything, even when it’s not necessary. You’re so concerned about bothering or inconveniencing others that you go out of your way to make sure they know you didn’t do anything that might upset them.” At the time, I did not fully understand that statement.
In my years of healing, I came to realize that Mr. C’s assessment of me was completely accurate. I had carried so much guilt, shame, and anguish for so long that it changed who I might have been. The abuse began when I was just 5 years old, and I believe the grooming started even earlier. If you want details about my healing journey, I’ve shared them in other blog posts. The point of this one is to say that through healing, my mindset has shifted—my default belief that I’m a loser has gone from constant to almost nonexistent. I wish I could say those “loser” thoughts are gone entirely, but I can’t. What I can say is that they’re now rare.
I’d like to share how I’ve proven my competence and found success in life. I taught in both public and private school classrooms for over 20 years in Alaska and North Carolina. I taught English, Math, Art, and PE across upper elementary, middle, and high school levels. I also coached volleyball, soccer, track and field, and cross country for 27 years. For the past decade, I’ve worked with a state agency, training drivers of Commercial Motor Vehicles. I’ve been a photographer since 1990, running a successful business that I own and operate as an LLC.
When I look at the above list of accomplishments I realized as I was typing this, that those were actually the avenue for what really matters in life.
~Those moments when I failed and learned not to give up; thus, recognizing a student or player that needs encouragement to keep pushing on
~Building relationships not a resume
~ [Carpe momentum] Seizing the moment in any situation, no matter how you seize it…in your heart or shouting it to the world (or at least those in ear shot)
~Realizing that life is so much bigger than me or any situation I face.
Definition
bully
seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable)
- //Some stay quiet, while others want to stand up to the bully.
My current situation stems from a decision to stand by someone now facing alleged accusations. Not everyone agrees with my opinion or my choice to support him. How did so many people find out what I think? Well, since I now am able—and willing—to take a stand, this time I chose to make it public. Yep, I shared my stance on Facebook. I’m sure many would say, “What did you expect? You put your thoughts out there, so of course people will agree or disagree in a very public way.”
When someone shares their thoughts publicly, they invite both agreement and criticism. I’m not against others having opinions about mine, and I’m fine with opposing viewpoints. That’s not the issue here, nor is it why I decided to share my opinion or write this post.
Let’s go back to the comment that sparked the “loser” remark. In my post, I talked about my time at NLPW and the promoter. I won’t rehash the whole thing, but the gist is that I’ve only ever seen him act with professionalism, and he expects the same from everyone involved in the promotion, regardless of their role.
My post read, “If at any point I felt uncomfortable or thought something wasn’t right, I’d quietly step away.” I never said, “It didn’t happen to me, so it must not have happened,” or “If I saw, knew, or suspected wrongdoing, I’d ignore it and walk away.” I’d never just walk away if I believed someone was in danger or being taken advantage of.
The full paragraph in my original post said, “If at any point I felt uncomfortable or believed something was not right, I would quietly step away. My past has taught me to trust those instincts without hesitation.” This woman and her husband took a single sentence and blew it out of proportion, twisting my words and putting their own spin on it to fit their narrative.
Why am I writing a rebuttal to an insignificant woman whose intent was to rally her lackeys and anyone else paying attention to this situation? It’s simpler than just wanting to fire back—it’s not about her, her husband, or their “yes-people.” It’s about having the freedom to stand up for myself, whether in private or public, without slipping back into my habit of just giving in and accepting whatever thoughts or words someone decides to say about me.
Even though some people will keep harassing and antagonizing NLPW, the promoter, and anyone involved with twisted words and harsh, crude Facebook posts, I’ll continue to stand in support of NLPW, 2-6 Wrestling Academy, Tony James, and everyone still part of his promotion.
Definition
Victory
an act of defeating an enemy or opponent in a battle, game, or other competition:
- //”an election victory” “they won their heat and went on to victory in the final”
- “a victory celebration”
This is just another victory in my journey of healing. One I wanted to share with you.
“As always”: I’m eager to hear your views on “Am I a loser?” and your personal experiences. Feel Free to leave a comment, send an email, or reach out to me on Facebook. If you find this blog enjoyable, please LIKE, SHARE, and SUBSCRIBE. I appreciate you taking the time to visit and share a moment with me. Until next time, see you!
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