Ernest Hemingway once said,
“In our darkest moments, we don’t need advice.”
What we truly need is the power of human connection: a quiet presence, a gentle touch, or the smallest gesture that reminds us we’re not alone. These acts of love and solidarity become the anchors that hold us steady when life feels overwhelming.
Pain is a deeply personal burden, and difficulties are uniquely ours to face—but your…presence tells me I don’t have to face them in isolation. It’s a quiet reminder that, no matter how lost I feel, I am still worthy of love and connection.
Sometimes, words aren’t necessary; your silent support speaks louder than anything else. Love, in its purest form, has the power to help us rediscover ourselves, even when we’ve forgotten who we are.
Imagine a young child of five, all alone in a dank, dark basement. Her blonde hair is tangled, and she is wearing her favorite light green play dress. Sitting on the floor with her back against a shelf and her arms around her knees, she is terrified. Quiet cries for her mother go unanswered for what seems like hours. She sits huddled, uncertain of her next move. Fearful of making a sound, she succumbs to the darkness and the terrifying unknown.
Let us delve deeper the thoughts of this five-year-old. Her mind is racing, frightened that he might return, but even more so that he will not. In the darkest corners, she believes she perceives movement, which keeps her in same position she has been in since he left. Mama? Mama? Mama? He said it was alright, that I was alright. I do not understand. I do not know what to do…
This is my first memory of the abuse I endured as a child. I have only hinted at the actual abuse; I could provide details, but I am unsure the benefit. I remember every detail, and it took years to heal my soul and mind from all of it. I know I have referenced this in previous posts. There are many other instances like this one that happened to me. My father groomed and controlled me so that I would comply with his wishes yet remain silent. This is what most people do not understand. Honestly, if I had not lived this life, and was merely observing, I would not understand either. So why am I writing this post? Does it even matter?
THE DIFFERENCE:
What I have discovered after all these years, after the abuse and many years of healing and many years of living free, is residual effects have lingered in my life. Only recently have I become aware of their effect. They can be noticed in my actions and reactions to certain situations. The situations that occur now (currently in my life) are in no way related to what happened to me as a child. No one is abusing, grooming, or controlling me now. What could I possibly mean then? How can there be any effects left after all the anger, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and [other things that are hard to name] are gone?
triggers
verb
trig/ger ~’tri~ger~
- :to initiate, actuate, or set off by a trigger
//an indiscreet remark that triggered a fight//
//a stimulus that triggered a reflex//
2. :to cause an intense and usually negative emotional reaction in (someone)
//watching a horror movie, triggered her fear of the dark//
One particular lingering effect is that I still sometimes fear being “left” alone. There are certain triggers that cause me to panic surrounding this topic. Typically, I can control that panic, yet sometimes it manifests in my words and actions. It may seem illogical to those around me. However, to me, it is an instant emotional reaction that takes me back to those moments when I was “left” alone, typically after abuse occurred, when I was being groomed to conform, or when I was being punished.
In the present moment, when triggered, I do not believe I am in the basement, car, or woods (places from my abusive childhood used similarly to the basement). Listen to that again: My mind does not even think for a moment that I am five, ten, or fourteen years old again. Nor does my mind believe I am actually in those places that were used as “cages”.
Exactly what happens? Most people wouldn’t notice any change. Sometimes, I do not even recognize it. An emotional reaction occurs deep within me, usually immediately. I do not always handle it correctly. In the past, when I was triggered (there used to be many…now it’s only this one), I would instantly become angry. If I were in a situation where it wasn’t appropriate to be angry, I would “stuff” the feelings. However, those feelings could only be “stuffed” for so long. I referenced this in a previous post, as well.
At present, there is no anger, nor is there a need to suppress any emotions. What occurs, is I often ask questions that seem very apparent to those around me. I do this to gauge the situation, to see if I what I am feeling is real. Internally, my emotions start to fluctuate. I actually begin feeling utterly terrified from so long ago. What am I seeking? What seems evident to me but may not be to others; I am seeking immediate comfort. My emotions suggest (and sometimes scream) that I am about to be “left” alone, but my mind understands that this is not the truth. However, I usually do not know how to articulate this in the moment of distress, especially when the preceding moment and the current situation do not necessarily warrant such a need. It appears illogical to an observer that in one moment I am fine, and in the next moment, I require immediate and sometimes massive reassurance and comfort.
Internally, if I permit my emotions to control me, I tend to become excessively tearful and talkative, without any logical reason. It may look quite crazy to others. I have most recently recognized that I need to just be quiet and concentrate on what is real. I should focus on my current situation, permitting my mind and to navigate me through the trigger, rather than allowing my emotions to dominate.
What aids in maintaining my emotional stability? Many people may not understand what helps me. However, simply put, “predictability.” For someone with my background having even a little knowledge of events (that are about to happen or may happen) helps me maintain a sense of calmness and stability. I am fully aware that life is often unpredictable. I possess the coping skills necessary to handle situations that arise, regardless of whether they are sudden or simply happen by chance. However, there are instances where there is no predictability and I become triggered. I have recently discovered, it is best for me to stay quiet and focus on the reality of the situation, not what I may be feeling. Speaking the actual truth outloud is also very helpful. It is important that do don’t let my emotions have their way. It is about “jarring” myself out of what feels like being trapped in the past. I will keep y’all posted and begin choosing the TRUTH every. single. time.
Ernest Hemingway once said,
“In our darkest moments, we don’t need advice.”
What we truly need is the power of human connection: a quiet presence, a gentle touch, or the smallest gesture that reminds us we’re not alone. These acts of love and solidarity become the anchors that hold us steady when life feels overwhelming.
Pain is a deeply personal burden, and difficulties are uniquely ours to face—but your…presence tells me I don’t have to face them in isolation. It’s a quiet reminder that, no matter how lost I feel, I am still worthy of love and connection.
Sometimes, words aren’t necessary; your silent support speaks louder than anything else. Love, in its purest form, has the power to help us rediscover ourselves, even when we’ve forgotten who we are.
“As Always”: I’m eager to hear your views on “Residual Effect” and your personal experience. Feel free to leave a comment, send an email or reach out to me on Facebook.
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I appreciate you taking time to visit and share a moment with me. Until next time, see you then!
Through the LENS: a perspective of heart... 
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